Another Year = More Broken Resolutions

Fact – 50% of Us Make New Years Resolutions

That’s half the population making resolutions. But of that half most of us will fail to achieve our resolutions. This is very disappointing news, but something most of us know intuitively. NEW YEAR’s RESOLUTIONS almost always end up in failure and disappointment. This begs the obvious question, Why make a New Years resolution.

Why Try?

Hope is something that most of us count on. This will finally be the year, we tell ourselves. I will go the gym, eat less, exercise more. I will improve my life and feel better at the same time. This year will be different. But year after year we set lofty goals and year after year we fall short and then beat ourselves up about this failure. It’s as if we have internalized our parents most disappointing moments of ourselves and sent ourselves to our room to “GO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!”

Yet because we love ourselves and want a happier, healthier and more joyful life we keep trying. Score one for the human spirit and nature of motivation. As long as we are going to put ourselves thru this lets understand what is going wrong and what we can do Be Successful with our New Years Resolutions.

Goal Setting Mistakes

Too Big or grandiose – When we set huge goals with grandiose ideals we set ourselves up for failure. For example if my goal is to lose weight, I can set the goal as I will lose 10 lbs in the first week of January. We rationalize one more helping of gravy and mashed potatoes and one more trip to the desert counter and that’s it. Come the first week of January I will lose it all back. The problem with this is we are building habits leading us to the storage of fat cells and repeating this behavior. Obviously we get some pleasure from it and obviously it’s going to take a huge amount of effort, but we can do it, this time. But then something happens to ruin our day, or our friend wants to go out to our favorite restaurant and we slowly cave in, throw up our hands and settle back into bad habits.

Another way to approach this goal could be I will slowly limit my portion size, not take seconds, or eat better food, exercise a bit more etc.

Too general – Sometimes our new years resolutions are so vague or general we’re really not sure how to measure them or even work toward fulfilling them. For example, I want to be happier. What does that mean, how do we measure it? How do we work toward it? We need to have a definition of happiness and a way to measure. We think Oh, well I will know when I get there? But will you. Because based on our mood and circumstances our outlook and thought process change greatly.

Not Written – This one is kind of obvious.

Shoulds – These resolutions are insidious and problematic. These are the things we feel we ought to do. The things people tell us are important or that our loved ones feel we should do. Of course changing to please people in our life may in deed make them happy, and in some cases may be needed to maintain relationships or even sanity and sobriety. However, if we don’t have a compelling reason to make the change every day of the year, how on earth will we be successful?

Digging in Deep

One of the main reasons we stay stuck is that we keep doing the same thing. For most of us when it comes to making change or dealing with an unpleasant set of feelings and memories we distract ourselves from the problem. This is an awesome strategy when the problem is temporary and will pass soon. However, when the problem is perpetual all this does is promote avoidance which then leads to anxiety. So the answer is to really explore our resistance to change.

Joining the resistance

This is totally counter intuitive. And it totally works!

Explore deeply the reason you resist the very change you want. What is it doing for you? How does it help you maintain balance, or stay safe or avoid risking failure. This type of work is often very difficult to do alone. Invite a trusted friend or work with a counselor, therapist or life coach to explore these areas of resistance and difficulty. You may discover an obstacle that has been with you for a very long time and now you see it clearly. Now it is so clear why you keep attracting the wrong people to date, or that you hate your job or house or whatever. This type of work can be truly invigorating and give you a new lease on life.

Our Problem Saturated Society

True or false, focusing on the problem will help us change and grow. It will teach us the mistakes so we can make the needed change. True of course. But it’s not the whole story. If we keep looking for the problems in our life and the way to a perfect life, we may just start seeing everything as a problem.

So, when you are making your goals and new years resolutions be kind, be gentle and set reasonable achievable goals that really matter to you.

Written by James Meyer, LCSW Founder and Lead Therapist at Lions Heart Counseling in Sacramento California. Contact us at 916.494.9218 to make an appointment for a free 20 minute phone consultation.