Choosing Happiness
Are You Happy? To really answer this question objectively and consistently you must have a central definition or idea of what will make you happy.
We all want to be happy. In fact, we are guaranteed the pursuit of happiness in the constitution of our great country. Much talk in Positive Psychology has focused on this topic, what gets in the way of being happy and what tools and experiences are most likely to make us happy. But Rick Foster and Greg Hicks are two of the few pioneers in Psychology to research and demonstrate that happiness is not a destination, not an outward manifestation of the idyllic life, rather happiness is a mindset,
Which begs the question …How do you define Happiness?
Research into this area defines happiness as Contentment, Capability, and Centeredness.
I think most of us can agree that when we are content with what we have, feeling capable of dealing with life’s challenges, centered and at peace with ourselves and our environment we feel good.
Question: So What do we have to do to get happy?
Answer: Learn, apply and incorporate The Nine Choices of Happiness into daily life.
1. Intention
The active desire and commitment to be happy, and the decision to consciously choose attitudes and behaviors that lead to happiness over unhappiness.
Consciously choosing happiness over ego, being right or upset or retaliation requires a mindset that values happiness above these things. This is an incredibly powerful value that deviates greatly from how most of us were raised. No longer do we need to judge others, blame people for our problems or complain about how awful things are. The message is clear, if you are unhappy, change. You may have got the raw end of the deal, been a victim, taken advantage of, have a life threatening illness or facing financial ruin. But the truth is there is only one person in this whole world that can change your circumstance. That’s you! Of course, changing your mindset, values, habits and reactions takes a lot of hard work and often the support of close friends or professionals who can help keep you on track and recognize the pitfalls and celebrate your successes.
2. Accountability
The choice to create the life you want to live, to assume personal responsibility for your actions, thoughts and feelings, and the emphatic refusal to blame others or view yourself as a victim.
The first time I went through the nine steps, I struggled deeply with accountability. I truly believed I had the central intention to be happy and I was accountable for all of my actions. But moving into accountability for my thoughts and feelings opened up a mindest that I truly struggled with. I understood that something like not getting the job I wanted or the financial security I wanted were my responsibility and I could learn and adapt to outer circumstances to improve my chances of achieving my goals. But, the fact that my very thoughts and feelings were a choice was something else entirely. It wasn’t until I started digging into Cognitive Behavior Therapy and seeing the relationships between my thoughts, feelings and behaviors that I truly understood how complex and pervasive this problem was.
I mean was I really reading this right? Does the fact that I am sad because my girlfriend broke up with me, or my car won’t start or I lost my job really part of the problem. How do I go about choosing the right view or understanding of the problem and how do I actually talk back to these negative thoughts? Isn’t this just positive thinking and how can I just focus on the positive.
As I dug deeper into this a whole world opened up. I realized that what we tell ourselves about a situation has a much deeper impact on us than the situation itself. I started discovering tools to deal with negative thoughts, cognitive distortions and ways to talk back to these negative thoughts, with truth and conviction. (This discussion on self-talk will continue to evolve on this site with more structure and detail)
3. Identification
The ongoing process of looking deeply within yourself to assess what makes you uniquely happy, apart from what you’re told by others should make you happy.
One thing I show most of my patients is the concept of Integrating Our Authentic and Social Selves. The idea that most of our life people have tried to shape us into their version of what would make them happy at the cost of our authentic joy and happiness is intriguing. We know we love the people in our life, well most of them, and we make sacrifices to make them happy. But at what cost and where are our boundaries? Most of us are concerned that if we truly ask for all that will satisfy us people will not be happy, they may withdraw, spend less time with us or drift away. But that is the thinking that a parent instills in a child. The thought that we are bad, that we don’t deserve what we truly want. It’s the reason people get the Sunday Blues and stay in jobs they can’t stand then over eat, over consume and numb out just to feel better.
Identification teaches us it is high time we truly find out what is central to our happiness. What experiences do we want, what feelings do we want to feel, how much money do we really need, what kind of work should we do, how do we want to show up in the world?
4. Centrality
The non-negotiable insistence on making central to your life that which brings you happiness.
5. Recasting
The two step process that transforms stressful problems and trauma into something meaningful, important and a source of emotional energy.
6. Options
The decision to approach life by creating multiple scenarios, to be open to new possibilities and to adopt a flexible approach to life’s journey.
7. Appreciation
The choice to appreciate deeply your life and the people in it, and to “stay in the present” by turning each experience into something precious.
8. Giving
The choice to share yourself with friends and community, and to give to the world at large without the expectation of a “return”
9. Truthfulness
The choice to be honest with yourself and others, and not allow societal, workplace, or family demands to violate your internal contract.
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Information provided on this site does not constitute a patient therapist relationship, and should be used under the guidance of a licensed mental health professional. Information presented on this page was written by James Meyer, LCSW Lead Counselor and founder of Lions Heart Counseling Sacramento. These Choices were discovered by Foster and Hicks and documented in numerous research studies and their book “How We Choose to Be Happy”.